THE BEST $1.65 YOU'LL EVER SPEND IN MIAMI

Head for Little Havana. Go to almost any walk-up window attached to a grocery store or, my favorite, a laundromat. Order a cortadito (60 cents) and one of the bulk cigars they keep in bags by the window. I like the El Barselo torpedo ($1.05). Tell the lady at the window to keep the change. For that money you get a caffeine buzz that will last all morning and a good hour's worth of smoking on the cigar. This explains why Starbucks has not made giant inroads in Little Havana. Thanks, Fidel, for sending the very best of Cuban culture our way.

HOW TO LIVE TO 150-PLUS AND STILL HAVE SEX EVERY DAY

For starters: Get yourself reincarnated as a Seychelles giant tortoise. Meet Toby, who was one of our neighbors when we were staying on Denis Island, a 350-acre resort at the northeastern tip of the Seychelles archipelago. No one is exactly sure how old Toby is, but best guess is that he was born in the 1860s. Toby's days are pretty much the same: He munches straw, eats fruit from the noni tree and, about 2 a.m. each morning, he sidles up to one of his female cohorts and makes the beast with two backs. It causes quite the ruckus. Good for ol' Toby.

To the right is Brutus, another oldster, in the 130-year-old range, who we encountered on North Island. Giant tortoises really like having their necks scratched. But I had to assure Brutus that it was not foreplay.

I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE AND IT IS SEMI-HILARIOUS

Been reading the newish novel from Albert Brooks: TWENTY THIRTY: The Real Story of What Happens to America. It's a fairly brilliant, and funny, distillation of all the woes that grip our world, set 19 years in the future. An excerpt: "Candidates never aligned themselves with the White House anymore, or even with their own party. They ran as individuals, on the notion of returning America to the people. It was all bullshit, of course. What it really did was introduce a new kind of motionless government. Nothing got done.

"Denying new spending provided the House and the Senate with the illusion of expressing the people's voice. But the people didn't want their lives and their nation's infrastructure to rust away. What they really wanted was somebody to make tough choices, which took a leader.  And the one thing the Legislative branch could never be was a leader."

Read the book. You'll laugh. And you'll worry that we really are heading toward a future as Albert Brooks envisions it.

DISSED BY A WOMAN IN HIGH-HEEL SNEAKERS

So I was out on my morning walk across the Rollins campus when I spotted a woman wearing skinny jeans, a white t-shirt and ... high-heel sneakers. I stopped to admire. The shoes. They were full-on Converse with maybe a five-inch heel. Apparently, these sorta shoes are nothing new in fashion, but they were new to me.

As the woman approached, I smiled, pointed at the shoes and said: "So you a big fan of Tommy Tucker?"

The only reason I remember the name of the songwriter who penned "Put On Your High-Heel Sneakers" is because my biology teacher at Leesburg High School was also named Tommy Tucker and I was always asking him to sing the song in class. I got pretty lousy grades in biology.

The woman just looked at me.

"Huh?" she said.

"Elvis sang it, too," I told her. "And the Stones. But I liked the Grateful Dead version best."

The woman just looked at me some more. I don't think she liked what she saw. I got out my iPhone.

I asked the woman: "You mind if I take a picture of your shoes?"

"Yes, I do," she said. And she kept on walking.

Been humming that song all morning and can't get the damn thing outta my head.

HOW TO MAKE THE PERFECT RUM DRINK

Welcome to my rum bar, where today we will assemble my go-to cocktail -- the Perfect Rum Drink. It follows an easy-to-remember recipe you'll find throughout the Caribbean, one that allows for plenty of leeway so you don't have to be absolutely precise in the proportions. For this version, I used Appleton VX rum, but any decent rum will do. I suggest you devote much time to experimenting...

UP AGAINST THE WALL, FLATLAND SUCKER

File this under: Things I've Done That I Won't Be Doing Again. Ever. 

That would be -- rock climbing. With its sheer granite mountains that seem to shoot straight up to the sky, Kalymnos is a big draw for rock climbers.

I fell in with a group of climbers from Italy and Holland while out hiking one morning. They talked me into giving it a try.

Some of them hung upside down in this dome (below, left). As for me, I took baby steps up a "starter" wall. See that guy in the red shirt? It took me about an hour to get there. You don't want to know about getting down. Let's just say that for Floridians rappelling does not come naturally.

From now on, I'll hang out with the goats. But yeah, the view of Telendos was worth it.

PLEASE TO BE NAKED WHEN ORDER WONDERFULL FREE MEALS TO GO

 

Some favorite signs from Kalymnos, Greece....

We brought along a bag of coffee from Palmano's so our pals Richard and Teresa could vicariously enjoy our travels.

Found this handwritten map on a remote trail -- directions to a taverna. Beats hell out of a billboard.

Call me picky, but I kinda prefer my fish without the funk.

Taverna. Mediterranean. Pirates. Taverna. Sun. Taverna. How could it not be a "wonderfull" place?

NOT THAT I'VE EVER BEFORE CONSIDERED ENTERING A MONASTERY ...

Scattered all over the hillsides of Kalymnos and other Greek islands you'll spot distinctive blue-and-white monasteries. A few of them are home to actual monks, but mostly they are private shrines, erected by families to celebrate good fortune or memorialize loved ones or simply to glorify God.




This particular monastery sat all by itself at the tip of a rocky peninsula approached by steep steps carved into the hillside. You had to work to get there. It was a snug little place -- my pal, photographer Peter Frank Edwards, and I had to stoop to get through the door. But once inside, it seemed to expand and become far larger than its outward proportions.





We lit candles. We paid tributes to our own particular gods. And then we went about our day, a bit larger than our own outward proportions.

USING YOUR DOG AS A LAWN ORNAMENT

A growing number of Floridians are employing man's alleged best friend to help spruce up their yards and, at the same time, control pesky weed infestations.
     "If properly installed, a dog can make a terrific lawn ornament," says Wade Wacker, a specialist with the Florida Department of Agriculture's office of horticultual canine development. "And some breeds, especially basset hounds, can also be put to effective use as ground cover."
     The benefit of planting dogs in your yard, says Wacker, is that they can provide a constant source of high-nitrogen fertilizer and, during drought conditions, the excessive-slobbering breeds can be used for irrigation.
     The dog in this photo, a two-year-old basset named Monty, recently ingested a pound of mozzarella and a filet of wild salmon meant for his owner's dinner table. Monty also feasted on several square yards of carpet, three pairs of sunglasses and a pair of sandals. Monty's owner is reportedly considering using the dog for mulch.
    

HOME SWEET FLORIDADA: Vampires at Hooters

Here's the hands-down winner of our weekly HOME SWEET FLORIDADA Award for Behavior Most Befitting the Strangest State. It is also a finalist in the Dying Newspaper Hall of Fame for Best Lede Ever. Thank you, Danny Valentine of the St. Petersburg Times:   

ST. PETERSBURG — The vampire attacked just before midnight on the porch of a vacant Hooters.

The second graf is pretty much a humdinger, too, in an Only-in-Florida kinda way:

Milton Ellis, 69, was sleeping in his motorized wheelchair when he awoke to find Josephine Rebecca Smith, 22, of Pensacola on top of him, said police spokesman Mike Puetz.

You can read the whole bloody thing right here. And I'll have some wings with that. Skip the special sauce.