HOW TO MAKE THE PERFECT RUM DRINK

Welcome to my rum bar, where today we will assemble my go-to cocktail -- the Perfect Rum Drink. It follows an easy-to-remember recipe you'll find throughout the Caribbean, one that allows for plenty of leeway so you don't have to be absolutely precise in the proportions. For this version, I used Appleton VX rum, but any decent rum will do. I suggest you devote much time to experimenting...

MY ATTEMPT AT HOT SEX

(This story is included in the new book, SHORT ROAD TO HELL.)

Shortly after my first novel, Bahamarama, came out, I mailed a copy to my mother. I can tell you that there was nothing, absolutely nothing, that caused me as much anxiety as the thought of my mother reading my first novel.

            Days went by. The book got nice reviews by lots of magazines and newspapers. But not a word from my mother. It was excruciating.

            Finally the call came.

            “I read your book,” my mother said. I waited. “And I loved it. Just loved it. I am sooooo proud of you.”

            “Gee, thanks, Mom,” I said.

            She told me she had called up all her friends in town and told them to go out and buy my book.

            “You’re the best, Mom,” I said.

            Then, she said, she had gotten together with her friends over lunch one day to talk about the book.

            “Everyone loved it. We all thought the setting and the characters were wonderful. The dialogue was funny and smart. And none of us had any idea about the ending. It caught us by surprise,” my mother said. “But …”

            “But what, Mom?”

            “Well, we all agreed that there just wasn’t enough sex.”