News bulletin: Florida Governor Rick Scott will privatize his own brain

In a move to bolster state revenues and make good on campaign promises to bring 700,000 new jobs to Florida, Gov. Rick Scott announced today that he will privatize his own brain.

            “Not only will this show the corporate world that Florida is open for business,” said Scott, “it will demonstrate that we are totally willing to make ourselves human vessels of free enterprise by undergoing general anesthesia and splaying open our frontal lobes.”

            According to the most recent reports, Florida lost some 62,000 jobs in July, the second worst drop in the nation. Scott predicted his personal brain privatization could stem the flow and result in a net increase of jobs, since “implementation will require a huge amount of manpower to fill all that empty space.”

            While Scott admitted that the details of how the brain privatization would work are “a little fuzzy at this time,” he said his office would soon start accepting bids from businesses wanting exclusive rights to operate Scott’s brain on a rotating, short-term lease basis.

            “It will be a win-win situation,” said Scott. “The leasees will enjoy unlimited executive power in the decision-making and regulatory process and the state will share in the profiteering, er, revenue stream. Plus, it will be more cost effective since the state won’t be saddled with my upkeep.”

            Dean Cannon, speaker of the Florida House of Representatives, said that while Scott’s plan “shows the governor’s commitment to the economy, it is hardly innovative.”

            “We in the Florida Legislature have been letting the insurance and real estate industries run our brains for years,” said Cannon.